Honestly… I didn’t figure this out until probably my seventh or eighth interview in a four month stretch. I’d been in security for over twenty five years at that point – started as a junior Linux admin, worked my way up to Director of Security Operations at a Fortune 500. You’d think I’d know how to handle an interview by then. I did not.
The thing is – I knew my stuff. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was I kept showing up to these calls like I’d had four cups of coffee and something to prove. Talking too fast. Jumping on questions before they finished asking. Filling every silence with more words. One recruiter actually told me after a rejection – and I appreciate her for this – she said “you seemed a little intense.” Which… yeah. That tracked.
They’re Reading You Before You Even Talk
This part kind of messed with me when I finally understood it. The interview starts the second that camera turns on. Before you say your name. Before you talk about your background. They’re already forming opinions based on how you’re sitting, your face, whether you look like you’re about to explode or like you actually want to be there.
They don’t call it “energy” in the debrief. They call it presence. Or confidence. Or “fit.” But it’s the same thing – they’re deciding if you feel right before you’ve proven anything. And that’s frustrating because you can’t logic your way through it. This is part of how your setup sends signals you don’t even realize.
Trying to Not Be Nervous Is a Waste of Time
I spent way too long trying to “calm down” before interviews. Deep breathing apps. Meditation videos. Telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. None of it worked because – here’s the thing – it was a big deal. I needed a job. My severance was running out. Pretending I wasn’t nervous was just lying to myself and my body knew it.
What actually helped was accepting that I was gonna be nervous and just… managing it better. Not eliminating it. Directing it. There’s a difference between nervous energy that makes you sharp and nervous energy that makes you talk like you’re being chased. I had to learn that difference the hard way.
You Don’t Need to Feel Calm – You Need to Sound Steady
This was the breakthrough for me honestly. I kept waiting to feel calm before interviews. Guess what – I never felt calm. Not once in nine final rounds. But somewhere around interview five or six I figured out that feeling calm and sounding steady are completely different things. You can be a mess inside and still come across as measured if you just… slow down. Pause before answering. Let there be silence.
The interviewers don’t know what’s happening in your head. They only know what comes out of your mouth. So I stopped trying to fix my feelings and started focusing on my output. Sounds obvious maybe. Took me six months of searching to figure it out.
What I Actually Did That Worked
Okay so this is gonna sound dumb but I’m telling you anyway because it actually made a difference.
About thirty minutes before each interview – not the night before, not an hour before, thirty minutes – I’d watch something funny. Like actually funny. Stand-up clips. Dumb videos my kids sent me. Whatever made me genuinely laugh. I know that sounds ridiculous for a Director-level interview but here’s what it does – it loosens up your face. Changes your breathing. When you actually laugh you can’t stay wound tight. And then you go into the interview with a real smile instead of that weird forced professional smile we all do.
The other thing – and I fought this one for a while – was standing up during video calls. Felt weird at first. Like I was giving a presentation to my laptop. But it genuinely changes how you talk. Your voice gets fuller. You don’t hunch. There’s something about standing that makes you feel more like yourself instead of feeling like you’re being interrogated. I wrote more about why standing actually works if you want the details.
The Water Thing
I almost didn’t include this because it seems too simple but… having water within reach changed things for me. Not for hydration – as a tool. When someone asks you something and you need a second to think, you take a sip. It’s natural. Nobody thinks anything of it. But it buys you two or three seconds to actually formulate a response instead of just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.
I used to rush into answers because silence felt awkward. The water gave me permission to pause. Dumb hack maybe. But it worked. More on why having water matters if you’re curious.
Stop Trying to Be “On”
This was my biggest problem and probably took the longest to fix. I’d go into these interviews like I was performing. More energy. More enthusiasm. Trying to seem excited about everything. And look – I get why we do this. You want them to like you. You want to seem engaged. But here’s what I learned…
Interviewers – especially at senior levels – they don’t want a performance. They want to see how you actually think. How you’d actually be to work with. When you’re all amped up and “on” you don’t seem more impressive. You seem less trustworthy. Like you’re selling something. Lower energy usually reads as more senior. Took me way too long to believe that. This connects to how they decide if you’re actually senior in those first few minutes.
What Feels Flat to You Sounds Fine to Them
The thing is… your internal state is lying to you. I’d finish interviews feeling like I was boring. Like I didn’t show enough energy. Then I’d get callbacks. The interviews where I felt “on” and energetic? Those were the ones where I got passed on or ghosted. What feels flat from the inside often sounds measured and thoughtful from the outside. Trust me on this one – I tested it accidentally about nine times.
What Actually Changed Things for Me
Somewhere around month three of my search I stopped focusing on having perfect answers and started focusing on showing them how I’d actually approach the role. Walking through my first 30, 60, 90 days. It took the pressure off both sides honestly. Made the whole thing feel more like a conversation.
Look – None of This Is Complicated
I’m not sharing anything revolutionary here. Watch something funny before. Stand up during the call. Have water nearby. Stop trying to perform. Let yourself seem a little boring. It’s not rocket science.
But I spent four months and nine final rounds figuring this stuff out when someone could’ve just told me. So I’m telling yall. Your energy matters more than your answers half the time. Get that part right and the rest gets a whole lot easier.
Still don’t know if all of this actually made the difference or if I just finally got lucky with the right role. But I do know that once I stopped showing up like I had something to prove… things started clicking. Take that for what it’s worth.
